How To Use Your Emotions To Negotiate Successful Agreements
We cannot stop having thoughts or emotions. The challenge is using our emotions in those with whom we negotiate.
Negotiations involves both your head and your gut and both reason and emotions. Emotions affect your body, your thinking, and your behavior. Negotiators and diplomats obtain the best results by understanding the other party’s interest and working together to produce and agreement.
Emotions can be an obstacle to negotiation by directing our attention to matters that are not important and damage relationships. But emotions can be a great asset and motivate you do things more efficiently and work jointly with others to increase commitment. When you have positive emotions, you are more open to listening and learning about the other party’s interest, making a mutually satisfying outcome within your reach, as a result, your agreement is more likely to be stable over time.
FIRST RULE: Address the real interest not the emotion.
TIP: When you negotiate with others you should be aware of your current some emotional state and apply the five component criteria: appreciation, inclusion, freedom, importance, and role.
For example: As a project manager, I am always in meetings with my project team or stakeholders. Sometimes I feel like a fireman having to extinguish fires everywhere. But before I enter in meetings, I ask myself these following questions:
1- What do I want accomplish from this meeting? (the final agreement)
2- How do I feel about this meeting? (This applies to your current emotional state; if I feel insecure, apprehensive, fearful, cautious, etc.)
3- Once I recognize my current emotional state, I apply the five component criteria:
– I will appreciate others
– I will include others and welcome their criticism or compliments
– I will feel free to exercise my autonomy
– I will address the real interest and its importance
– I will exercise my role as a project manager
When I usually use these five component criteria, my emotions tend to be more centralized and less scattered, therefore I can concentrate in the real interest.
So, next time you have to negotiate an agreement, run a meeting, ask your wife/husband to do something for you, or buy a new car, think about your emotions first, then use the five component criteria (appreciation, inclusion, freedom, importance, and role), and you’ll see more positive outcome from your actions.
One technique I find very powerful is appreciation. Appreciating others will naturally bring helpful emotions in those with whom we negotiate. From CEOs to teachers, diplomats, janitors, everyone wants to be appreciated.
Nowadays we are too worried about our own problems and we may place some obstacles to feel appreciated or appreciate someone. Some of the reasons are because we may fail to understand each other side’s point of view, we argue our own perspective but not learn theirs, or we disagree with what the other person is saying. All the reasons above come naturally, but here are some rules that you can apply to express appreciation to others and get them by your side.
RULE #1– Understand their point of view – To appreciate another person, your first task is to understand how things look and feel in their point of view. You can anticipate their emotions by imagining how you might feel in their shoes.
RULE #2– Active listening – During a negotiation, there are many active listening techniques you can use to improve your understanding of another. Here are some tips:
TIP # 1 – Listen for the “music” as well as the words. It’s important to gather the ambiance that surrounds people whom you are negotiating with, as well as to listen for the mood, character, atmosphere, and emotional tones that put the words into a context.
TIP #2 Listen for meta-messages and tones – As you listen you will notice that sometimes one message is buried inside another. They often suggest whether a person feels supportive, unsure, or resistant to ideas being discussed.
For example: I decided to introduce an idea to speed up my project delivery and present it in a report to the stakeholder’s weekly meeting. Before I did, I showed my report to my boss, my peer, and one of my project team members and they all said the same thing; “I like your report”, but I gathered three different meta-messages or three different tones. When my boss said it, I felt resistance. From my peer I felt a comparative tone, like he was comparing my report to his, and from my team member I felt enthusiasm. And of course, from the stakeholders I felt lack of commitment. But they all said “I like your report”.
Don’t forget that a person’s body language may express something quite different from what they are saying.
So, before you appreciate someone, understand their point of view and listen (feel) what they are saying; you will be surprise with your words and wisdom that will come from your mouth.
Finding value in another’s reasoning requires that you actually do see value in it. Honesty is crucial.
If you are having a conflict with someone, find value in their reasoning. Even if you disagree with the other person’s opinion, you can acknowledge their reasons for seeing the subject as they do. They might be motivated by strong feeling, a passionate belief, or a persuasive argument. Regardless, if you disagree with the other person’s opinion try to act as a mediator by putting yourself in the third person. You may say: “I understand [your point of view], and I appreciate [your reasoning or belief].
Rule #1 – Communicate your understanding – Demonstrate your understanding of the value you have found in their opinion. Once you understand their perspective, let them know. Your remarks should be honest. You may say simple things as: “It sounds like you feel worried about this issue and I appreciate your concern, especially knowing that you have worked so hard to get it done……” You may also suggest how upset you might be if it happened to you.
Rule #2 – Show your understanding of what they are saying. If you find that you have stopped listening to the other person, ask yourself. “Am I done or are they done?” In any case, people’s emotions are more likely to be contained if you somehow show them your understanding. For example: Once I had two team members who had a major conflict regarding my project schedule. I listen to both sides and I made sure I understood both views by saying: “Let me see if I understood your concern correctly.” Then I repeated what they said and they acknowledged my understanding. By doing it, I simply decreased their emotional stress and I showed appreciation for their opinions.
When another person feels truly heard, you have valued not only the person’s message but also the person as an individual.
Many people fear that appreciating someone’s point of view is equivalent to agreeing with them. This is not TRUE. Whether or not you agree with someone, you can find value in their reasoning and let them know it. You don’t give up your authority to decide; you can still say the final yes or no, and increase the likely hood that the two of you will be able to work effectively together.
march 28, 2017 Share:
Author
Giana Rosetti is an electrical engineer and a PMP certified with a successful track record directing projects and programs at Project Management Office (PMO) level with a combined knowledge of engineering, research and analysis.